I woke up with morning with that odd mix of irritation, sadness and confusion. Nothing had happened, so why was I in such a funk? More importantly, how was I going to break it. I started with the obvious. We traveled for Thanksgiving and came straight back to the grind of the week so the house wasn’t in order, that tends to make me feel out of sorts so I organized the kids room and front porch, threw out some things, took others to charity. Doing for others always makes you feel better right? And it did……but not like it usually does…..I was still off.
Then I decided to begin the Christmas decorating, maybe that would help, but first I had to go get some new things, it was the music in Lowe’s honestly that did it. It brought everything flying back into my mind so clearly that I was shocked I hadn’t realized it why I first woke up. Its almost December. Friday is December 1st in fact.
I’ve had 6 miscarriages. All but 2 have been in December. The last two being the furthest along and the last one being by far the most traumatic which was in late December and thus mentally, intrinsically linked to Christmas music.
Its not just the music. Its the season. During the last miscarriage I was under so much pressure to perform as if nothing was wrong. We had three other children that I wanted to provide a good Christmas for (one a one year old) and my in laws were going to be in town and staying with us. Unfortunately, due to the other miscarriages, we had kept this pregnancy a secret planning to reveal it at Christmas which put me over 12 weeks and thus in the safety zone.
The week prior to Christmas at my 13 week mark I week for my check up and my doctor failed to find one heartbeat, I was devastated. The week before we had two. He consoled me, prayed with me and told me to come back the day before my in-laws landed. I did and learned we lost the other. I endured the week of their visit in a blur of hiding and crying in my room and probably more alcohol than is healthy and had surgery the day after they left. New Years Eve. They played Christmas Music. My in-laws never even knew I was pregnant.
I have since more than made my peace with God. I understand why I went through what I went through and I whole heartedly accept his decision and love Matthew (our youngest, born the day before Thanksgiving the following year) so much that I can’t even contemplate him not being in our family. That being said, even 8 years later, Christmas music makes me cry.
The body always remembers grief and makes you acknowledge it, no matter how hard you try to move on. Outside of the mother that lost the baby though no one else really acknowledges a lost pregnancy, it really is a lonely grief, especially years out. I have learned though, that taking a few minutes to look at those old sonogram pictures tends to keep the grief at bay for another year.